A few weeks ago I wrote some posts about love that were totally emo. In reflection there was some good advice in there I should have taken.

When someone loves you, you can do no wrong. You see this every day when you see good girls with disgusting creeps. Or when you see really great guys smitten by girls who treat them like crap.

It's not just the world around me that proves this to be true, I know this from personal experience. We probably all have that story of the one with the flaws we just never noticed until it was too late. That boyfriend who chewed with his mouth open. The girl who stayed with the guy even though he lied and cheated and we all knew.

A friend of mine always said he could tell if it was love or just infatuation. Infatuation makes you completely unable to see the flaws. Love on the other hand sees the flaws and accepts them. When you love you are acknowledging the shortcomings and uniqueness of the object of your love. You love them more because of the imperfections, not in spite of them.

I'm not really sure how to apply this to myself. My desire to be better, to make myself attractive (someday), or to uphold my standards isn't going to go away because I have an infatuation. Or even a love. It just means that perhaps someday I'll find someone who really sees me for me. And when I see them for who they really are, it will only draw us closer.

So maybe I shouldn't beat myself up quite so much about those small things I'd rather change about myself. If I ever run across someone who loves me, they'll think I'm adorable anyway.

Well, it's just a theory.

Next time I'll try and write about dealing with the fall out that inevitably happens when you finally do see through to the real "them" and you realize they aren't cute any more.

I have a friend who is one of those critical thinkers you wish you could emulate. Especially when it comes to matters of faith, he routinely challenges my thinking.

He had a recent post about Forgiveness which caused a stir in my thinking. Perhaps it was because my approach to the holidays was so different from his. Who knows what kind of craziness goes through my head. In any case, the thing that struck me so heavily was the last line:

I do understand that you don’t put an alcoholic in a bar during the first week of AA but is that what God does with us?
-- Thoughts on Forgiveness

Now I don't think I have any more to forgive than anyone else, if anything it’s the other way around, but this is something I struggle with like anyone. And usually I think I tend to be okay in how I handle these things in my life. And then the holidays hit. That whole "I'm okay"-thing goes right out the window.

I was struggling with bitterness, self-doubt, and resentment. These things were eating me away and worming their disgusting way into my thoughts almost daily. For someone who works hard at being deliberate and in control of my thoughts, that's a hard thing to realize.

So as I do in times like that when it dawns on me how far in over my head I am, I went back to The Word. (If you can't tell that happens a lot.) In this case I was really only looking for how I was supposed to be handling things?. If I'm failing at handling these issues myself, surely there could be found some better instruction in His Word. And without fail I stumbled into more than I thought I needed. The first was in Hebrews:

For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness. I will remember their sins and lawless deeds no more.
-- Hebrews 8:12

Here it was, the first step towards letting go my bitterness. It wasn't just another example of how I don't measure up to the grace of my Savior. This illustrated the direct tie between mercy and forgiveness. The forgiveness was one thing, but then to show them mercy by remembering the sins no more. This I could latch on to. It seemed so unnatural, so impossible to just forgive and move on. But when I realized that the moving on is an act of mercy it began to be palatable. After all, I'm no stranger to mercy (everything I need a lot of I tend to learn a lot about!).

Therefore be merciful, even as your Father is also merciful.
-- Luke 6:36

So that clearly spoke to the issue Heitz raised. Our transgressions are in fact gone and that is forgiveness. But we don't just get forgiveness, we get mercy too. It's a package deal. The gift that keeps on giving.

The next couple verses in Romans are all about other aspects of forgiveness and how to forgive, but that was all I needed and more. I needed to recognize, acknowledge and be deliberate in my actions after offering forgiveness. Recognizing its relationship to mercy gave me to keep my Walk straight.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
-- Romans 12:18

Even with what I was struggling through, I still was seeking ways to make this true in my life. Inside I think I knew that most of my hang up was this feeling that I wasn't living at peace. It's like I knew I had forgiven but I didn't know what was next. And I just knew it wasn't right. It wasn't enough. It was never enough. Until I realized I also had to offer mercy. When you add mercy, it's enough. He is merciful, and He is always enough.

I am a big believer in visualization. I have found it to be an instrumental driving force behind change. In many ways my livelihood hinges on my ability to harness or create change within people and organizations, and I have often relied on the power of visualization in my work.

There is however an aspect of visualization that can be both subtle and startling. For me I bump against this tenet whenever I'm discussing future plans or goals. Especially when they are other peoples future plans or goals. I find myself talking more about how they are going achieve their desires, more so then about those specific desires. This actually works to my advantage because quite a few people only want to talk about the car they are going to drive, they aren't interested in what it takes to acquire it, so they learn to stop talking to me about it. ;-)

The Process is more Powerful than the Product

Have you ever heard someone say "It's the journey, not the destination."? This is a common sense way of explaining this same tenet. How you are going to go about doing something is more influential to your success than what you are trying to accomplish. How to use a tool is more important than acquiring one. The way you go about solving your problems will limit you more than the solutions you may or may not find.

This is a fully loaded tenet so I'm going to go into some more detail about how I apply this every day. When I'm talking to people who have goals, I don't start by asking them to visualize their goals. Instead I ask them to visualize the process of achieving those goals. I don't ask them what they are willing to do for their success. Instead I ask them what they are NOT willing to do.

This sounds pretty counter-intuitive until you realize that it is our limiting beliefs which truly rule our mental maps and models. Consider that guy you know who wants a bigger house. He wants the house, but he isn't willing to move to the middle of nowhere to afford it. That new car? But not willing to work an extra job. Fame? But not willing to wait tables and suffer the humiliation of auditions. Lose weight? But really enjoy dessert. They want to stop being hung over? But won't give up the weekend binge drinking.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? It isn't just about focusing on the limits. It's also about realizing that breaking down the limits is a process of change. It's fine to set a weight loss goal for 6 months out. But if you don't change your lifestyle in your little decisions every day, you likely won't meet your goals. If you want to have a comfortable retirement, but you are only contributing the minimums to your 401K, you'll likely not reach your dream. Afraid of speaking in public? Want to improve your self-image? Focus on the internal processes you use to restrict and limit yourself. When you can see the process you use you can change it.

The same is true with those people who want to talk about that better job or more money. When I tell them what they'll have to do to get it, they always do one of two things. They give themselves permission to do the necessary, or they realize they don't really want to do the necessary and they can finally stop obsessing over some future state and enjoy what they really have.

It's pretty interesting the things I miss when I'm on the road.

This morning as I yanked myself to consciousness because of some crappy r&b station blaring out the alarm clock in my hotel room, it popped into my head how much I miss being serenaded awake by the strums of guitar or clicking of piano keys.

As is my nature, my mind immediately filled with all the other things I was currently missing. To jolt the synapses I ordered them:

1. The shrill tempo of @jwalking singing "I am the greatest man who ever lived!" repeatedly. Saturday morning. Early.
   
2. The way @debono constantly finds ways to share his hairy backside with the world.
3. Coming home to realize @debono was cooking and it smells fantastic.
4. Coming home to realize @jwalking was cooking and he burned something, then just made macaroni and cheese with ground beef. Unseasoned. Every day.
5. My "why yes, it is the most comfortable place you've ever slept" bed.
6. The way @itsmedrew would come over sweaty from the gym and wipe it all over my sheets.
7. The way @jwalking would con anyone into going into whatever section of town he wanted so he could bum a ride to a random bar to hang with other people besides whomever gave him the ride.
8. The blight on our wine, snack foods, and general wet blanket that is @jraq. A constant reminder that it is possible to be too cynical, too smart, and too good looking for your own good.
   
9. Seeing @georgecostanza and @benthelollygoround out in public and realizing they are too cool for me to hanging out with. And yet they still gave me fist bumps and high-fives.
10. @sir_dirtybird.
11. Watching @mharp eye-shag another helpless victim. Then get bounced by a clueless and smashed @jwalking.
12. @sarahofaces smiling face.
13. Getting upwards of 30 tweets a day from @debono about weird food in Bangkok.
14. Listening to @jwalking make sweet sweet ear-love to his guitar. In the other room. By himself.
15. Coming home to find the dinner table being used for beer pong and I'm already 6 beers and 2 hours of drinking behind. And pouring a G&T to catch up.
    

If you've got any to add to the list, don't tell me.  My hearts aching already.

The grind I currently find myself participating in has its advantages. Namely, the problems are complicated and haven't been solved by numerous other "smart" people who have tried for extended periods of time. I've had a week and been slowly making progress.

As is often the case with tremendously screwed up situations like this one, even some progress is met with skepticism and distrust for a while. I'm carrying the baggage of all the months and host of people who were here before. To cope with this I've been repeating another foundational tenet.

You haven't failed. You've only gotten feedback.

The trick to really complicated problem solving is realizing that you don't have to boil the ocean all in one go. You can take steps and make progress, sometimes just by ruling out things that clearly aren't the answer.

Thomas Edison has a good quote on this, Benjamin Franklin has one, and so does Albert Einstein. There are numerous other versions and misquotations, but they all can be paraphrased in the same supporting tenet:

You can only fail if there is a time limit.

Specifically in my situation, I have people who have already tried quite a few alternative solutions. So when I ask them to proceed down a path they believe they've already wandered, they resist. They fight every step of the way. But as is often the case, I'm able to point out something in the way that they failed which sets them on a new direction. Yesterday we had a breakthrough because I insisted on making someone follow my instructions even though we both knew it was going to fail. We needed to see the way it failed to clearly develop an alternative to the process. Once we saw that, I was able to twist the problem and put him on a path to success. Which in very short order he achieved.

When you feel like you are beating your head against the same wall, perhaps you need to consider. But if you continue to learn and improve even though you fail repeatedly, don't give up. Acknowledge the success of your feedback, twist the problem, and keep going.

It's been a heck of a few days and the weeks and months ahead seem daunting right now.

Today I pulled out too quotes that have popped into my head during conversations with the special people in my life. They helped me process and give context to the fumbling quagmire that are my thoughts. I thought I'd share them with you.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.
-- Leo F. Buscaglia

Not sure why I've been doing so much writing about love lately. Maybe because I've been feeling it in unexpected places and not feeling it so much in the expected ones?

Without involvement, there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it.

No involvement, no commitment.
-- Stephen Covey

I've written a lot about being deliberate which is the close cousin to being committed. These days it seems really important to me to be clear about the things and people to which I've committed. And to be even more clear about the commitments I expect from others. When I won't commit, I try and make that clear. It's sad that I have to be the one to notice when someone isn't committing to me. Even worse when they think their infrequent words and carefully rationed time are sufficient.

Tenets like these help me keep things clear.

Here's another basic premise I had to recall today. Interestingly, it wasn't because of anything at work but in a personal relationship.

Behavior always has a Positive Intention.

This is one of those blindingly obvious things that just eludes as all from time to time. Basically, the point here is that anything someone is doing is because they are trying to achieve some goal for themselves. From their perspective, there is a reason and a motivation for their behaviors. Even in cases where those reasons or motivations seem irrational to us, or are hidden from them.

Our whole intellect is designed to pursue our desires and achieve our goals. Even in cases where we aren't aware of what those desires might be. For example, we see this in our preservation instinct and our self-defense mechanisms. Our brain resolves all the inputs and formulates responses that will further our internal goals. This is why some people are spenders and some are savers, some people are aggressive and some are timid, and so forth. Internally, they have goals in mind which motivate and drive their behaviors.

When you understand that people are never just acting in a vacuum, and are always acting in alignment with their goals, it becomes easier to empathize, understand, collaborate with, or even control them. When you are aware of their goals and motivations, you can predict or rationalize their behaviors. When you witness their behaviors, you can derive their goals.

To take this a little further, consider people watching a sporting event or chess match. It's easy to assume each player or coach just wants "to win". But the reality is that they have other goals which dictate the constraints and subordinate goals to winning. For example, they might want to manage exposure to risk, protect certain players or pieces, or have a preference for certain techniques or plays. These constraints and subordinate goals will impact their decisions and behaviors. So when people ask "Why'd he call that play?" or "Why did she try that attack?" they are only verbalizing that they don't understand these other non-obvious motivations.

The twist on positive intention is due to the nature of perspective. Often I would substitute the word Purpose instead of Positive Intention. This is because most people understand positive to "good" or "beneficial". In reality, the only person that is true for is the one demonstrating the behavior. It might very well be painful or hurtful or "bad" to others. But in their mind it's serving a purpose. Perhaps hidden and subconscious, but very real.

To put this in practice, pay attention to how people behave when the goals are very public. You will still see them act in unique ways which gives you clues to their hidden goals and motivations. For example, watching people shop is a great way to get a view into their psyche. Do they check prices first or follow colors? Do they check sizes before saying they like something? These are simple examples but they can be extrapolated to how people order food in a group, the questions they ask about the news, or how they act at a party. Are they thrifty, self-conscious about their weight, a leader or follower? The key to unlocking most peoples inner picture of themselves starts with simple observations like this.

In every situation, we are individually running all the inputs through our internal goal-seeker and deciding on a response that best gets us what we want. Watch what people do when the goals are obvious and you'll find out all those other hidden goals they don't even know about themselves.

I'm starting a new endeavor and as usual, I need to review some of the things I've learned to make sure I can be successful. I'll be posting some small snapshot entries as I unpack my toolset for the days to come. Here's one I typically start with:

The meaning in a Communication is the Response you obtain.

This is one of those that most people think they understand until it slowly unravels in their mind. Here's another way to perceive this concept: Consider that you are trying to explain a concept to someone and they insist they understand your point but their words don't align to prove they actually do. If you continue making the same points with the same language they may very well shut down with "I don't want to have the same conversation again." then you've learned how to end a conversation with that person. This can be a valuable resource, especially for when you need to slow an interaction down.

Consider a different scenario in which you offer to help someone with something (say some action items they are responsible for accomplishing) and they abruptly retort "I can take care of it." then you have garnered a valuable response. You now know how to get them to snap at you if the need for that arises. You'd be surprised at how often being able to evoke a response is useful.

These are both negative responses, and I use them intentionally, because the positive ones are easy to ignore. To get inside both cases, you have to come to the realization that you are responsible for your own communication. Because of that, the response you get is something you can impact. If you aren't getting the response you desire, it's up to you to change your communication. If at all possible, change your words. If you can't change your words, change how you are saying it.

You might find these intrinsic in your own understanding, but if you are like me, you forget to keep these clear in your mind from time to time. So a refresher on how to have an impact with my communication was just the ticket.

One of the last few endeavors I've had involved planning for some performance testing of the critical application stack for extremely large volume business. Specifically, they were looking to make some architectural changes because of performance and needed to know which ones to make. Which explains why I was in a room with a bunch of big-wigs yet again explaining why the performance test is more than throwing requests/transactions/load at the system and seeing what breaks.

After quite a bit of round-and-round, it became evident that I had to bring us back to basics and get on the same page. This is hardly new and I find myself often giving impromptu primers on Performance Testing. This posts covers the basics and illustrates a simple example of how to apply them.

Let's get started. . .

When it comes to performance testing, there are two generally accepted types. You can Prove, or you can Predict. These are not equivalent. The names may be self-evident but let me give some quick examples to clarify.

If you are seeking to Prove, you put load on a system and determine that the system can in fact handle the load within set constraints. For example, it handles X requests using only Y memory and Z processing units with Q response time. You know it to be true because you actually did the work. It's not simulated work, there aren't stubs, there is no approximation involved.

If you are seeking to Predict, you put load on the system under constraints in such a way as to understand how the system will react to changes in either load or constraints. For example, the system performed X requests with Q response time utilizing Y memory and Z processing units. Further it performed (X*2) requests with Q response time utilizing (Y*2) memory and Z processing units. Therefore I predict the system can perform (X*3) requests with Q response time utilizing (X*3) memory and Z processing units. Obviously it is never this simple as there are many ways that variables interact, but you get the idea.

As part of the discussion, it became clear that an understanding of the basic math involved would be helpful. Naturally you can't expect a bunch of execs to sit still for a calculus lesson. But it was possible to give them a simple example to demonstrate how complicated even the "simple" vectors can become very quickly. So we walked through using a very simple statistical probability formula to calculate a Poisson distribution for the number of concurrent users.

The simplest form of this generally only uses three variables:

1. User Population
   This is the population or total sample size. Just because there are billions of people in the world, not all of them will be using your application. Hopefully.
2. Session Length
   This is a measure of how long the operation that each user performs. As you can imagine, this one is hard to simplify and in sophisticated models is the quickest to require much more work to derive the real value.
3. Availability Window
   This is a measure of the time range in which the application will be available for use. Usually you want to exclude maintenance windows, or perhaps reduce this to only include normal business hours.

Using these variables, we can create a formula c = (p * s) / A to allow us to find a concurrency distribution.

c = Concurrence
p = User Population
s = Session Length
A = Availability Window

So for example, there are 2000 employees who have access to the portal. Each user spends an average of 7 minutes submitting an expense report. They only do this from work during normal business hours (9am-6pm or 9 hours).

Therefore the likely concurrency is (2000 * 7) / 540 or 26 users in a 7 minute session using the application.

These are of course just numbers by probability, not proof. But it would help you figure out by taking further percentages, what your concurrency expectations might be.

This is really just a small scratch on the surface of a very large topic but it helped to demonstrate how large and complicated it can be. Which is why you should really on expertise and not guesswork. And why things that appear really simple in models like this, typically are not.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

I understand about niche music and sub-genre's and so forth, but do we really need a specific set of CD's of Christian music designed for RUNNING? and WALKING?

 

Frankly this is why I distance myself from the mainstream community. It's enough to make me want to run through the temple overturning tables and scattering livestock...

Recently, a good friend made a comment that I found very interesting.  She told me to sit up straight.  Don't slouch.

At first, like most people, I wanted to be defensive.  After all I like me.  Well most of the time anyway.  But seriously, who does that?  Who points out something so intrusive? So judgmental? Something so positively personal as posture?

Then in a moment my sky cracked just a little.  I realized what a blessing it was to have the kind of friend that could say that me.  That she was comfortable enough to make a point out of something so trivial yet important.  I wanted more.  I want people in my life who will challenge me. Who will expect more and better, no matter how much better my better gets.

Like most people, I crave a better version of me.  I want to improve and have a fierce desperation for being the best me I can be.  Which may not be much, but like they say "Aim High" right?  So why was my first reaction to shy away from such clearly beneficial feedback?  At what point did my walls get so high?  At no point do I ever want to be that person who isn't coachable and teachable.  That kid who can't take the criticism regardless of the source and use it to for my own improvement.

From my lifetime of learning to learn I've come to intensely value feedback, respect expectation setting, and covet communication.  Especially when those things are clear, direct, and actionable. In this situation, I had all those things.  It wasn't a reflection on her and my posture benefits her directly not a whit, it was merely a helpful, caring comment meant for my edification alone.  If only I had more like that.

This past two weeks, I can't stop thinking about that moment of clarity when my mouth stopped and my ears started. When for a brief moment my guard was pierced with so few words. Sit up straight. Don't slouch.

Prayer is a large and important part of my life. Much of what I know about prayer is from my father who has always modeled for me how pervasive and impactful prayer should and can be in life.

These past few weeks I've been thinking about how I communicate about prayer. Specifically with those in my life who aren't particularly prayerful. Someone close to me was asking about this and I realized mid spew how incomprehensible and disorganized my thinking on the subject had become. So I went back to The Word to see if how it was written would help my thoughts untangle. As usual, I was refreshed and found a clear set of messages that stood out. This is hardly comprehensive, but sufficient for the salient point I was seeking.

One passage I came across was clearly about the benefits of prayer in your life. Not just as an element of our salvation, an obligation we incur for our salvation, or even what is necessary to keep us in the way we should go.

For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.
-- Colossians 1:9-12

It doesn't really need to be stated more plainly than that. If you want to bear fruit in every good work, you need to pray. If you want to grow, you need to pray. If you want strength, endurance, and patience: pray.

It's all well and good to see this from a personal aspect, but it doesn't stop there. Relationships also require prayer as we see in 1 Peter chapter 3.

Firstly, Peter calls out a particular point for husbands and wives.

You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
-- 1 Peter 3:7

Pretty self-explanatory, but of drastic import. If you don't want your prayer life to be negatively impacted, then show honor and love to your spouse. Not as someone lesser but as a peer in salvation. This is definitely showing a correlation between how you are living, effecting how you pray.

Moving forward, he opens his directives beyond just the married folks to all believers. He calls us to live a life of love and compassion. To justify his statements, he quotes Psalms 34.

For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
-- 1 Peter 3:10-12

Once again, a clear connection between how you live and the efficacy of our prayers. This can be hard for some, because it can be slippery slope on the way to a doctrine of works but the point and applicability to prayer is clear.

Later in the next chapter, Peter continues his admonitions for how to live in the context of the our salvation. He lays out the path and imperative of our salvation and then draws out the relevance to our specific lives.

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. -- 1 Peter 4:7

The thread here from the first to last is the tight correlation between your life in this world, and your life in your prayers. Living better will help you to pray; praying well will help you to live better. It works both ways and they are inseparable.

If you are having trouble walking, try getting on your knees.

If you've done any offshore work, and I do mean really done the work not just been near the work, you know what a house of cards some of the industry players can be. Finally it seems we are getting more details on exactly how messed up this market can get.

Just recently the head of one of the larger organizations, Satyam Computer Services, released a letter detailing the ongoing fraudulent activity that was riddling the corporate books. If you've ever competed against these guys you have invariably asked yourself, "How are they making money?" as they priced you out of a deal with ridiculously low costs. Now you know: They Didn't.

You can read more in the New York Times and elsewhere on the web.

The near term impact means that there will be quite a few companies including GE, GM, Nestle, Caterpillar, Coca-Cola, Microsoft, Pfizer and the US government who will be looking for new IT providers pretty quick. The real downside is that those companies have been budgeting for years using unrealistic offshore rates. Shifting that burden to more realistic rate schedules on short notice could be quite a jolt to many corporate bottom-lines. The ripple effect is that it will take money away from advancements, growth and sustainability just when we need this type of spending the most.

It's a fun thing to be able to say "I told you so." when you find out a company who consistently undercut the market in extremely detrimental ways finally comes clean. Unfortunately, it's not very satisfying. You see, we have the same experience in many markets and segments of our economy. Rather than paying what something should be worth and recognizing that money spent is money that feeds our nation, we continually strive to cut costs and do things on the cheap. Commoditizing high-tech doesn't help anyone, anywhere. Not in this country, and not in the country you are moving the work too. And besides not helping in the short-term, the long-term effects of depressed rate structures create unrealistic expectations and remove incentives for growth. They have ripple effects throughout the economies and cultures involved and can do irreversible damage when reality finally does come crashing down.

This situation is not unlike the consumer credit crisis or the disease that is WalMart. If people think they can pay less, they will. Even if it isn't best for them or anyone in the long-term. In many cases, even if it isn't best for them in the short-term! That's why people spend multiple dollars in gas to drive to a further store and save a few pennies. That's why people buy organic food that has to be shipped from another country to a horrendous environmental detriment instead of recognizing that industrialization is VITAL to a sustainable civilization. But I digress.

In the future, we won't always get such a clear explanation of the full cost of those ludicrous deals we take advantage of every day. Sometimes it isn't just plain-old fraud that's at the root. But there are always costs and impacts and we should try and understand the big picture instead of being naive consumers. Remaining ignorant about the supply and service chains that provide everything we consume and rely on is a surefire way to create an even bigger mess in the future (like we need a bigger one than gas prices?).

Next time you see a deal that seems to good to be true, remember the old adage and realize: It Is.

If it's really love, there are no rules. If there are rules, it isn't
really love.

It may be like or lust, desire, pleasure, enjoyment or ecstasy. But
those feelings that fulfill are only the results. They are symptoms
not the ailment, they are the effect and not the cause.

Love is a choice. A deliberate conscious releasing of one self to
another. You cannot have love without loss.

The act of loving, even your soulmate, the one who completes you,
requires a giving up some of yourself. A surrender of some of your
insides to make room for some of theirs. To allow your course to be
charted in some way by anothers.

Love without sacrifice is often sought and never caught. Sacrifice
without love is impossible. Even for yourself. You have to love
yourself if you want to change for only you. It's easy to change to
gain other things outside ourselves (relationships, jobs, etc.). We
love them so we sacrifice.

The concepts are simple. But they are daring and they call us to the
mat. Without their simplicity we cab hide behind ambiguous wants,
desires, and duplicity. We can get tangled up in choices and
conflicts. To find what someone loves follow their time, follow their
money, follow their talk.

We make any exception or convoluted course of logic to rationalize our
desires and longings. We never have to explain our loves. We agonize
and suffer for our wants and lusts but never think twice about
sacrificing for our loves.

I've been struggling with this myself. Things I've known for years
eluding me behind a shield of enjoyment and desire. In the end I have
to choose to love myself. With that I can see compromises and
conflicts more clearly. The shortfalls and sufferings stand out in
sharp relief when thrust into the light of my own self-respect.

Are you clear about your loves? Follow the lines in your life and cut
away the chaff. It's hard but necessary for growth. And growth is
necessary for happiness. And happiness will lead you to more love.