Lately my little social circle has been expanding. This is probably a
good thing.

The really interesting thing I've been noticing is how connected we
all are, especially via text and twitter. One thing in particular
stood out about this. And it wasn't just that we'll all be in a group
and half the people won't be talking but instead texting. Really it
became a little disconcerting to me how validating it is to have
someone texting you.

I noticed this at first because of the inverse. It was crushing to me
to text someone and not get a response. Sending my words out in the
ether and getting no response made me feel worse then if I had just
gotten a rejection. I would rather have a random lady reject me in a
bar, than to have a friend ignore my texts. Especially if it is the
first time I've ever texted that person.

At what point did my self-esteem get so wrapped up in the
communication ineptitude of others? I'm supposed to be better than
this and yet a couple of ignored texts almost sent me to the fetal
position in tears hugging a pillow.

Maybe I'm just being emo?

After much chaos and ballywho I found a place in Belltown near the office. I'm excited for the new possibilities that hanging around Seattle will bring.

Today is bright and sunny which is hopefully a portent for the summer.

So that you can share my life, I've included the view from my bedroom window. The main room view is even bigger. And the balcony is ridiculous.

Imagine how amazing the fireworks are going to be this year. Make your reservations now!

My friend Harry always calls me an ambulance driver. I didn't realize how much the term had grown on me until I used it about myself when he wasn't around. He's sneaky like that.

I'll explain the term, by way of explaining how it came to be used. For a long time I have little phrases, some might say mottos, that I use when giving advice or talking on particular subjects. A simple interesting phrase allows me to anchor the idea or concept; then depending on the forum, the time available and the particular audience I can tailor the message appropriately in real-time. As someone who spends a lot of time in reflection, I found it helpful to have a handful of these anchoring statements to organize and summarize my worldviews.

The particular behavior that Harry observed, we spoke about frequently, and ultimate won me the label of ambulance driver was this:

It's either the gas or the brake, but it's all the way down.

I'm not sure if I heard it somewhere else, or like many of my phrases, it just spewed forth in some conversation one day and I liked how it sounded so it got added to the repertoire. In any case, it is definitely a frequently exercised one.

To be practical, a phrase like this shouldn't need much explanation, and I have found this one resonates with most people pretty quickly. Not that they agree, but that they understand and can see how I strive to apply this to my life. On the contrary, most people disagree with varying degrees of vehemence.

Generally speaking people strive to be risk averse. They want to compromise and counter their need for change with a passion for passivity and a sense of stability. We do this in our personal lives, we do this in our careers, and companies (which are clusters of individuals) do this with their strategies.

Sometimes understanding a new view on the world or being honest about the underlying views that are actually driving us, requires we step back and introduce some objectivity. To that end, let's examine the corollary to the previous motto that applies to design choices or corporate strategy:

The Middle Always Costs More

This one may have been so obvious as to be blinding so let's examine how this applies to companies.

Generally speaking innovation inside a market happens similarly every time. The first mover is often an outsider because they have the least to lose. They have no market-share to risk and much to gain with even small successes. The next group are the current leaders. Sitting on top of their market, they can generally afford to make the investments and manage the risks. They have the unique insight that is only accessible to the guy sitting on top of the pile. Lastly, those in the middle might work up the gumption to delve into the fray. Usually the just wait and watch to see how things shake out before moving.

This last group of middle performers, of compromisers, are the ones who need assurances and guarantees. Being afraid to fail, they won't move until it becomes clear (to them) where success lies, which 'bets' will pay off, or that their current plan really is pulling a Dodo bird.

When you only take 'bets' that are sure things, you aren't really betting. When you aren't betting, you can pretty much predict the mediocrity of the outcome. When you only move because you are forced to because the market is self destructing, you'll continue to sit in the middle of any market you make it into. And your company will be all the other mediocre middle-waits.

It is the ambulance drivers who get to the scene first. They are willing to take calculated risks. They drive fast but very controlled. They break rules, but within constraints and boundaries. They put a single focus first and set aside all other conventions and norms in the headlong pursuit to achieve it. And they do it without a racecar. They do it with all the tools and gear they'll need so when they arrive on the scene, they can really add value. They don't just get themselves there, they bring help with them.

Usually when I get on the scene, it is a big bloody mess. Sometimes the patient dies in the back before we get them to the hospital and that is sad but unavoidable. It's the valiant effort, the commitment to try, the desire to really help and to do it regardless of what everyone else sitting in traffic has on their agenda that makes an ambulance driver effective.

You might not always enjoy riding along with an ambulance driver, but everyone hates being stuck in traffic with all the other middle-waits.

Had a chance to catch a show at the Tractor Tavern in Ballard. What a fun and rowdy act!

My friends Jereme, Josh and Kate were all there as well.

Tonight was full of new faces and unexpected questions. The biggest thrill (after Jess) was getting to catch up with the amazing Jereme home from law school. His huge brain and even bigger vocabulary are always a treat.

I hope your evening was as good.

I was in Costco the other day and saw the Western Digital terabyte (TB) external on sale for $230! Are you kidding me?

My 750GB Seagate is humongous in comparison. I need to upgrade but then I just end up with a collection of older, smaller external drives.

Seagate has bee extremely reliable and that is from someone who travels full-time and carries them in a backpack on planes around the country weekly. Not to mention the daily pack-and-go to the office.

Should I stick with tried and true? Or perhaps give the youthful contender a shot?

Any ideas?

Out with a friend going to see Rush at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles. We're sitting in the third row center.

It has been a crazy day but the caption says it all. No need to be scared of pictures when you are never running for president. Of course after wildness today that was pretty much guaranteed anyway.

It's a great life.

Recognize that this picture way just taken (5/5). I saw this note board in my friends kitchen and couldn't stop laughing.

I guess when you share an apartment with a bunch of fresh-out-of-school, amazing-musicians hanging in the L.A scene, this type of tomfoolery is to be expected.

It is one of the subtle reasons I like my life the way it is, as extremely flawed as it may be.

Oh, and go catch the Shaimus show this weekend. They rock!

In the last couple weeks I've had a conversation keep coming up in different venues with different people. Based on it's frequency I felt I should perhaps write about it to get my thoughts put down.

One of the first such conversations happened in pub. Yes, it is an established designed exclusively for the consumption of alcohol and simple food. However the music is great and I enjoy chatting with my friends on Trivia night.

This particular trivia night (some weeks past) I had been chatting up a friend I've never spent any significant time with. Out of the blue, the conversation turned to the topic of religious preferences. So right off you know it was an innocuous affair because bringing up religion with someone you fancy would otherwise be just foolish. Indeed we plunged headlong into church attendance (or lack thereof) and then to belief systems, and with no fanfare crashed headlong into. . . faith. Such a comfortably ambiguous place to be.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
-- Hebrews 10:23,24

It seems that every time someone wants to avoid the questions of religious preferences, myself included, we hide behind this notion of being Faithful Not Religious. Has organized religion so let me down that it is now unacceptable to be associated with any particular variety? For myself, the answer is yes. Which will probably be a disappointment to many of you, and no surprise to others, but my writing demands unabashed honesty and full disclosure.

Days later, I was meeting with a friend with whom I routinely share accountability. As we discussed church attendance and I mumbled my way through excuses he simply asked what my father thought. Ouch. Bringing my dad into discussions about my religious discipline is like choosing the nuclear option. From him you can truly learn the meaning of commitment, devotion, apologetics, and servanthood. His questioning of my heart is always intense, direct, and non-judgmental while still leaving me exposed and transparently self-aware.

My friend easily let me off the hook, but for my own heart I couldn't stop thinking of how easily in more than one conversation I'd so neatly dispatched any question of my place in organized religion. Not only have a distanced myself from any formal commitments I've fabricated a ration and reason for the disconnect. In the span of weeks I'd polished my avoidance to where I could deliver my excuses without any remorse. Except I did have remorse. In my heart I knew what my excuses would sound like under the scrutiny of my father. And once I know that I'm deluding myself, I can't do it anymore. Just a curse of the search for transparency and self-awareness, I guess.

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
-- Hebrews 10:25

So I know I need to reconcile with organized religion. I'm just not sure how. Maybe I've not felt all the pain completely yet. Maybe I've not embraced the forgiveness yet. Maybe I still have trust issues? Maybe. For sure.

If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
-- Hebrews 10:26,27

Now having written all this I want to encourage those who think I don't attend church. I do. I visit several churches regularly. I just don't belong to any of them. I don't may commitments with any of them. In many ways I deliberately remain an outsider, a visitor, a guest. I need to worship, and covet the companionship of believers, but am still cautious. So don't get the wrong idea. Worship is important as well as being disciplined about your faith. For me, this is about reconciling with organized religions, denominations if you will.